A couple quick notes....I wrote this almost a week ago. I hardly slept last night. No, not because Shawn & Riley hogged the bed! (they did!!) Somewhere around 3am, I decided I MUST call the dr. today. I'm NOT happy 'bout it, but I have since chosen to be thankful I have access to medical care, insurance and some bravery left. (Maybe!!) I have let Shawn & Heather read this, so.....since my secret is out......
Pain. I don't like to start ANYTHING out with that, but it is what it is. I feel so panicked and depressed a lot recently. Things were going so great with my back, after two accidents (rear-ended by drunk driver in '06 and t-boned in '09), two spinal fusions (one 6 months prior to the last crash & one maybe 6 months after), and too many years of pain to count on one hand. I mean, it never feels like it DID before and never will, but for the last few years, I had not had much pain. A twinge here, or "back fatigue" there, but I've been elated. Thinking, whew, I'm glad that's over. I'm strong, I told myself, and can make it through just about anything!
And then a month or so ago, I fell down the stairs. (I don't even know how, so don't ask....The theories range from I'm a clutz, Riley pushed me, or even a mean ghost. Personally, I'd rather think it was an irritated spirit) When I say fell, I mean pretty much both my legs flew out from under me and I came crashing down. (I did laugh later about how awkward i must have looked.) And in those nanoseconds, I thought a bunch of things. Mainly thoughts of my back and how I could avoid injury. I nearly dislocated my shoulder trying to hang onto the handrail for dear life. (So yes Dad, I was listening all those years about the handrail!!)
Still, I landed on my lower back and neck and slid down about 3-4 stairs before I stopped. I know I hollered/screamed as I was going down, but Heather found me crying on the stairs. (Poor kid!) ((Update: she doesn't remember this at all. Something about not processing things for a while after waking up.....nice!)) I couldn't tell which hurt more, my shoulder, back, or neck. I tried to assess the situation. I should NOT be allowed to do that, people!!! Seriously, I'm not good at it!!! At ALL. I decided I'd be okay and just see if it felt better the next day. Days have turned into weeks and now a month or so.
Tonight, I type this in tears. It is NOT better. It hurts, maybe worse now. Very bad today - the stabbing pain I dealt with for years :-( The kind that doesn't go away with rest, or heat. I even broke down and took the last painkiller that I've held onto forever for "just in case". (Alert, I don't like to take meds!) I don't want to do all this again. I'm not even sure I can right now. I cant even bring myself to call a/my doctor. I start to think about all the pain, and dr visits, injections and pain and waiting and fighting insurance companies and lots of other stuff, and I FREAK. By freak, I mean, I have started to have frequent panic attacks....again. It hurts, so i cry, and then i panic, and then I cry and sob and have even hyperventilated. (twice.) It's ugly, people!! U.G.L.Y. An ugly little cycle I wish to be out of!! All because of pain. Pain someone else has caused.
Isn't there a limit how much one can take?!????? I tell myself, and I KNOW that I don't have it so bad, when it comes to pain, or grief, or loss, or whatever....but that makes me feel worse. not better!! (see below for the song that popped in my brain writing this.) All the pain - mine and theirs and yours. Stupid pain.... I feel bad for feeling my pain and feeling bad about it. I feel bad for feeling everyone else's pain. Stupid cycles.....
Over the last many years, I've read many blogs from people. Strong, funny, hurt, scarred, wonderful, thoughtful, and thought-provoking people who have made me laugh, and cry, and sometimes do both at the same time. I watched Freedom Writers tonight (again. What a beautiful, inspiring story!) and thought to write about what I am feeling. To show my pain, and fear. To put it out there for me and everyone else to see. (Alert: This is against everything I am!) Seriously, I don't even know that those "closest" to me know this is going on or the extent. I don't want to put my pain on display. I'm more the stuff-it-quietly-away type! But, maybe if I hold onto it and hide it, it'll truly go away. (Note, I am VERY good at this, but have found it hugely ineffective!! Do not try this at home!!!)
I only wish that these words could heal my back like cathartic writing can heal a broken
heart, or a tired spirit. Friends, if my words and thoughts had magic or any type of healing properties, I would take ALL of our pains, fears, issues, insecurities, broken-ness, etc. and banish them all to another world. Wouldn't that be....magical?!???
Love,
Kristen
What About Everything by Carbon Leaf <3 br="" nbsp="">
Holiday quiet on these streets, except for some stubborn leaves
That didn't fall with the fall, and now they clatter in vain
Holiday sky, midnight clear
Wind is high, hard to steer
Old muffler rumbles like an old fighter plane
In search of some rest, in search of a break
From a life of tests where something's always at stake
Where something's always so far
What about my broken car?
What about my life so far?
What about my dream?
What about.....
What about everything?
What about aeroplanes?
And what about ships that drank the sea?
What about...
What about the moon and stars?
What about soldier battle scars
And all the anger that they eat?
I am not in need
Get away and come with me
Come away with me and we'll see
If I was right on that night, that a future was made
Before time takes each year, like a knife cuts it clear
It's school, then work and then life that just sharpens the blade
I think about time for fun
I think about time for play
Then I think about being done, with no resume
With no one left to blame
What about fortune and fame?
What about your love to obtain?
What about the ring?
What about....
What about everything?
What about aeroplanes?
And what about ships that drank the sea?
What about...
What about the moon and stars?
What about soldier battle scars
And all the anger that they eat?
I am not in need
Holiday quiet on these streets, except for some reason me
The hometown harbor lights bright, the sailboats clatter in vain
Holiday sky, midnight clear
Wind is high on this pier
I find it hard to complain when compared with what about...
What about everything?
What about aeroplanes?
And what about ships that drank the sea?
What about...
What about the moon and stars?
What about soldier battle scars
And all the anger that they eat?
What about...
What about aliens? What about you and me and...
What about gold beneath the sea?
What about...
What about when buildings fall?
What about that midnight phone call...
The one that wakes you from your peace?
Well, I am not, I am not, I am not in need
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