Back attack

So I've been needing & meaning to update the back drama that has, unfortunately, been a part of my life for the last 5 years. I have to start off that I never had back pain prior & only suffered from the occasional stiff/tense neck. (I tend to carry stress in my shoulders & neck.) But nothing that was frequent or bad. Nothing worth mentioning.

My life changed on 4/18/06. I was rear ended by a drunk driver. (Not only was he a loser drunk, but he fled the scene AND had no insurance/license...uh, yeah, just my luck!) I saw him coming, flying down the road actually and I remember thinking "wow, that guy is cruising.". I thought he was going straight. (I was sitting in the left turn lane.) I looked away, but something made me look back. He was about 10 feet away from me, still speeding towards me. It's really true what they say about moments that your life flashes in front of you. I literally thought I was going to die. I remember thinking about my kids losing their only parent. I thought about my parents. I thought about all the things I would miss. I'm too young to die, I thought. I was pretty sure when he hit me, I'd be smashed into the Jeep in front of me. All I could think to do was mash so hard on the brakes, I thought I'd break them. He slammed into the back of my month-new-car going at least 40 MPH. The back end of my car was thrown up in the air, thrown sideways, and finally crashed down, perpendicular to where I'd been sitting.

Needless to say I had whiplash....I had whiplash so long I thought it would never go away. I had whiplash so bad I barely noticed the bad pain in my lower back. I had months of anti-inflammatories, muscle relaxers, and PT. My neck started to feel better about the time when my lower back started hurting, more & more. I tried to ignore it. I'd already had enough meds & doctors, after all. When I finally broke down & went back, the conventional treatments started back up again. The several doctors I saw also suggested injections. I feel completely embarassed to say how terrified I was of the thought of needles in my spine. I put it off as long as I could. Finally, I gave in & went through 2 or 3 rounds (each round made up of 3 injections, spaced out 2 weeks.) of epidural injections. None of those made any difference. Next I tried facet injections & SI injections & a few others. Let me be real honest in saying NONE of those were ANY fun.

Eventually, when those injections weren't serving their purpose, I was ordered to have a discogram. Basically they inject something in the space where your disc is to "test" the disc. They did this on 3 of my discs. The first one was no biggie, the last two were (up until that point) one of the most excrutiating things I'd gone through. I remember sobbing hysterically until they put me out. (For those who know me, this is something that I rarely do.)

Long story short, the discogram showed my L4-S1 were herniated & pressing on a nerve. My surgeon said there wasn't anything left to do but a two level fusion. On 3/12/09, I had that surgery. What they did was to remove those two bad discs, added a bone growing substance mixed with some of my bone marrow, and held it all together with 6 screws & 2 rods. The recovery from that surgery was so hard. I had NEVER had pain like that. For the first month, I remember being completely miserable and wondering whose great idea THAT had been!!

What holds me together.....haha - Xrays from the first surgery!

I'm not a good patient and certainly not a patient one, at that. I HATE asking for help. I'm not even sure I know how to. I hate not being able to do things for myself. The walls of my house started closing in on me. I went back to work about a month after my surgery. I thought I was super woman!!

In September 2009, I was feeling great. The best I had in a very long time!! I saw my surgeon for my 6 month post op. He said everything was great, heading in the right direction, and that unless anything happened, he would see me in 6 months to release me from his care. After years of pain & doctors, this was the best news I could receive!

Unfortunately, it was short lived. Just a month later, in October, my ex and I were basically (to make this story shorter) t-boned by a couple racing teenagers. My neck & back were re-injured. Again, whiplash...extreme bruising...flare up on panic attacks (I'll have to blog on those seperately)....and back pain.

In the flash of an eye, the progress I'd made was gone. I was back in constant pain. More meds & PT followed to no avail. The screws had come loose and my surgeon said my fusion had not healed. No other option than to go in & re-do the surgery to correct the problem & (HOPEFULLY, oh God, I hope!) make me pain free.

So, on 12/14/10 I had my 2nd fusion. I had a rougher time of it this go round. They overmedicated me and overall, I just had a lot more pain. Currently, I'm about 6 weeks post-op. The "Oh my God, please kill me" pain is gone. I'm in what I call my dangerous phase. I feel better, so I want/need to do stuff. (laundry, vacuuming, cleaning, working, etc...) But as soon as I do, I hurt. I get tired, like an old lady kind of tired, easily. I can't sit for long periods without becoming stiff & having muscle pain. I'll have another month or so of PT at 3 months post-op.

These are the screws from the first surgery. They replaced them with slightly bigger ones this go-round. Wicked, huh?!

Ok, so there's probably a lot more description I could give, but I'm going to leave it at this. I don't say any of this to garner pity or attention. I am SO anti that, it's not funny. More so, I share this for my own good. I briefly mentioned panic attacks, which began after the first crash, but I have had a rough road over the past 5 years - physically & emotionally -and I don't want to bottle it up anymore. I also want to make sure that people know just what the impact of their decisions are. My life was changed, I guess twice, by the actions & decisions of other people.

Mostly, I just want to purge myself of this. I think this will be the first time I type this, but I'm scared. After the first surgery, I never thought I would have to go through it again!! After this last one, I'm terrified. What if it doesn't work? What if I get hit again? What if...What if? What if!! Part of my journey is learning how to redirect these fears. Hence my purging.

I'd like to close this by saying I realize how "lucky" I am to be alive. I put lucky in quotes, because I often don't FEEL lucky. Lucky would have been to NOT be at either of those places & NOT be hit. Lucky would be not having pain for so long. But I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I AM lucky....I have had the pleasure in meeting some people who lost people they love. I am lucky to be alive. My children are lucky to have their mother. Adam Katz, a young man who was killed in a drunk driving crash, was not so lucky. His parents, who I feel bonded to & vice versa, were not lucky. The pain that I've seen them go through- just a minute amount, I would add - rips me apart.

But again, things happen for a reason. I might be still working out that reason, but I hold on to that belief. I have worked with MADD over the last ~5 years. I have spoken in front of groups of 100+ convicted drunk drivers. I told them about my story & I implored them to never drink & drive again. Uh, ME!! I am SO not a pubic speaker. I get nervous talking to myself!! haha. But it was something that is important to me, so it's worth the physical pain of having everyone's eyes on me. If I made one single person decide to never put their & others' lives at risk, then I feel maybe I've come close to fulfilling the purpose of this. If I reached any more than one, it'd just be a bonus.

Lesson learned though - I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I don't say that to brag, it's just a testiment of how strong the human spirit is. It just shows me that even at our lowest point & hardest times, we can shock ourselves by standing up to fear, adversity & pain.

To use song lyrics to sum this up:

Survivor - Destiny's Child (yes, I'm taking it old school...)

I'm a survivor (what),I'm not gonna give up (what), I'm not gon' stop (what), I'm gonna work harder (what), I'm a survivor (what), I'm gonna make it (what), I will survive (what), Keep on survivin' (what)

I think I can, I think I can....

So I'm trying to pull myself out of this rotten mood that has set upon me. Not that it's uncommon for me to get moody, oh once a month or so...but this is ridiculous. I'm the type of person who feels the need to pull myself out of it. I've tried that for a few days. I've been stuck in my house for 6 weeks recovering from my second spinal fusion. This week was the first week I drove & physically went back to the office. I feel that I'm in the dangerous phase of my recovery, because I feel much better than I did that first month. So much so that I want to DO something. I see all this stuff that needs to be done, and it's driving me crazy. Maybe it's just that the walls of my house have become like a wet, cold blanket. Being stuck inside of it, just reminds me all that I have not been able to do...all that I'm not even capable of doing right now. I feel powerless. I get that it's normal when recovering, but....but....no me gusta.

Anyway, I ventured to the office on Tuesday, but then did not feel like it was smart for me to get out in the snow, so I stayed home & worked from home Wednesday & Thursday. I felt pretty happy about going back to work today. I mean, what's not to love about a Friday, right?!? I got caught up on a bunch of stuff & time got away from me....until the pain started. When I sit too long, everything clenches up & starts hurting. I don't quite know how to describe the pain I get from sitting for some time....feels sort of like I've been shovelling snow for hours. Stiff & sore. I guess it's a muscle fatigue kind of thing. (I hope!) Anyway, I realized that I'd been at work for 5 hours!! My longest stretch yet.

I decided to head home, but knew there was stuff that still needed to be taken care of. Basically I drove home & went right back to work for 3 hours. Without going into the gory details of the cloudiness/redundancy/drama/ridiculousness of work, let's just say I feel very aggravated. It's not JUST work though, but that's a big piece. I want to do something that feels worthwhile. Seems nowadays that it will be darn near impossible for me (or anyone, right?) to just up & switch careers AND be able to support myself & my kids. I look at going back to school, but then I feel dejected at the thought of how long it will take for me to complete my degree, since I can only take a class at a time. (I am registering for the summer semester though!) I feel like I'm stuck in a vicous circle, that always leads me right back to where I started, only then I'm exhausted. I feel like a cat, chasing its tail, but less cute.

I tried to cheer myself up with some yummy food from PF Changs for Michael & I. (Heather had already eaten.) I ordered it online & we went off to pick it up. Here is one of my biggest problems, and I don't know why....being out (in the car, in public, etc.) I get so freakin' anxious & stressed that I feel sick. I'm snappy & just pretty miserable overall when out. All the people, and the noise, and....I don't know what else, but I'm starting to feel like a complete freak. It's like, I want to go out, I go, and then I'm sorry I did. Am I completely crazy?!

I know driving is still a major trigger for fear & anxiety, but this is getting borderline nutty, if you ask me. So I fight the Friday night crowd at the mall, wait in the busy restaurant for our food & drive home, only to have one of the nastiest dinners EVER from one of my favorite restaurants. I mean, what the heck!?! How do they even mess up fried rice, for Pete's sake!) I should have gone straight for the chocolate & foregone real food...I knew it!

So, to counter the black mood that I feel, I'm going to spell out the things I am thankful for and that make me happy. It's not that I forget these things, I just think putting them in writing will help.

*Michael
*Heather
*Mom & Dad
*Bella
*A roof over my head
*My grandmother & extended family
*Friends
*The sun peaking through clouds (especially on an otherwise cloudy, overcast day)
*Purple flowers
*Majestic mountains
*The ocean - preferably with turquoise water & white sand, but at this point I won't be picky!!
*babies laughing
*Freedom!
*previously mentioned chocolate (bonus points if there is peanut butter mixed in!!!!)
*Life

Ah, that does help a little. If anyone actually reads this, sorry to be such a Debbie-downer. I don't mean to be a drag, but I'm worried that if I keep holding it all bottled up, I'm going to implode! Anyway, thanks for the session, doc, see you next time.

Starting to catch up. Part 1

Wow, I've had this blog since 2008 and have only posted two blogs!! What a slacker. Not that I've not had quite a bit going on since then, so I think I'll give myself a break. I know that having a fixer up house, two teenagers, and a full-time job should be enough to occupy anyone's time. But when I think back, I've been out on medical leave twice since then. I was home about a month each time, recovering from back surgery. You'd think that I may have taken a few minutes to actually take a few minutes to write & post pictures some place other than facebook......

I would beat myself up over not writing, but please....I haven't even taken down the Christmas tree yet. Don't judge!! I'm going to this weekend. (I swear, it WILL be done!) Having major surgery just takes the wind right out of your sails though. I still can't lift things so it's been a bit hard to get everything packed up....what's that? I have kids to help??? haha, suuuuureeeeee!!!

So hmmm, how to catch up on the last two-plus years!?! I guess I'll start with the house. We painted the WHOLE thing. No more rainbow colors for this girl! (I still shudder when I think how it looked!) The basement was gutted. The horrible, stained, old schoolhouse type drop down ceiling tiles were torn down and replaced with drywall! (Thanks to BS Home Improvements Services...aka my wonderful dad.) We installed nifty swivel lights, along with a super cool dimmer and then I hired a company to install crown moulding. It looks so great.

The house was completely neglected and even the most routine of maintenace was not done, so much of it has been a "oh no, such & such is broken?" thing, with the resulting panicked repairs/replacement to follow. So far, I've had to replace the heating/cooling unit (nice of it to break mid-summer!), the garbage disposal, and I won't even get into all the plumbing & other miscellaneous items.

Honestly though, I'm a little disappointed at what I HAVEN'T gotten done. So many plans I have for this house, but so little of it has been done. I feel like I'm at a bit of a standstill. I replaced the carpet through the whole house, except for the nasty, nasty (did I mention it is just plain gross) dining room carpet. It was horribly stained when I bought it & shampooing it doesn't help too much. I am going to rip that, and the equally dinged & disgusting linoleum in the kitchen & half-bath, and replace it with hardwood.

I get a little bogged down though, because the kitchen cabinets & counters are old and banged up, so I'm not sure where to start. Do I do it all at one time (holy cow, I'll have to sell one of the above mentioned teenagers....JUST kidding! How much do you think I'd get. Again, kidding. Maybe just a loan?? hehe), or do I take it a step at a time? If the latter, which do I start with? I'm the type where I want it all done, I want it done NOW and I want it to match the picture in my head! I don't want to wait, yet I know it's going to cost a small fortune...that's not even mentioning the complete overhaul that both my front and back "yard" NEED. Why do I keep having the phrase "which came first, the chicken or the egg?" run through my head?!? Alternatively, the words TOO MUCH (work/responsibility/cost/decision making) keep racing around here also.

Was this REALLY my idea to own my own house? I mean, the American dream seemed so much more dreamy when it was just that. Please don't get me wrong though, I am completely thankful of what I have!!!! I'm very lucky to be where I am. I don't pretend otherwise, I know these are wonderful problems to have. I'm sure much of it is that it ALL falls on my shoulders and I tend to get overwhelmed. Sometimes I just don't know where to start. If only the house were the priority.....I'd much rather focus on what my kids are doing (or not doing!) and getting my body back in some sort of shape.

Body. Shape. Ugh. That will have to be a blog for another day though, as I'm pretty sure this is already the most monumentally boring blog in the history of blogs. My goal is to start writing at least every few days, if for nothing other than for catharsis.