Back attack

So I've been needing & meaning to update the back drama that has, unfortunately, been a part of my life for the last 5 years. I have to start off that I never had back pain prior & only suffered from the occasional stiff/tense neck. (I tend to carry stress in my shoulders & neck.) But nothing that was frequent or bad. Nothing worth mentioning.

My life changed on 4/18/06. I was rear ended by a drunk driver. (Not only was he a loser drunk, but he fled the scene AND had no insurance/license...uh, yeah, just my luck!) I saw him coming, flying down the road actually and I remember thinking "wow, that guy is cruising.". I thought he was going straight. (I was sitting in the left turn lane.) I looked away, but something made me look back. He was about 10 feet away from me, still speeding towards me. It's really true what they say about moments that your life flashes in front of you. I literally thought I was going to die. I remember thinking about my kids losing their only parent. I thought about my parents. I thought about all the things I would miss. I'm too young to die, I thought. I was pretty sure when he hit me, I'd be smashed into the Jeep in front of me. All I could think to do was mash so hard on the brakes, I thought I'd break them. He slammed into the back of my month-new-car going at least 40 MPH. The back end of my car was thrown up in the air, thrown sideways, and finally crashed down, perpendicular to where I'd been sitting.

Needless to say I had whiplash....I had whiplash so long I thought it would never go away. I had whiplash so bad I barely noticed the bad pain in my lower back. I had months of anti-inflammatories, muscle relaxers, and PT. My neck started to feel better about the time when my lower back started hurting, more & more. I tried to ignore it. I'd already had enough meds & doctors, after all. When I finally broke down & went back, the conventional treatments started back up again. The several doctors I saw also suggested injections. I feel completely embarassed to say how terrified I was of the thought of needles in my spine. I put it off as long as I could. Finally, I gave in & went through 2 or 3 rounds (each round made up of 3 injections, spaced out 2 weeks.) of epidural injections. None of those made any difference. Next I tried facet injections & SI injections & a few others. Let me be real honest in saying NONE of those were ANY fun.

Eventually, when those injections weren't serving their purpose, I was ordered to have a discogram. Basically they inject something in the space where your disc is to "test" the disc. They did this on 3 of my discs. The first one was no biggie, the last two were (up until that point) one of the most excrutiating things I'd gone through. I remember sobbing hysterically until they put me out. (For those who know me, this is something that I rarely do.)

Long story short, the discogram showed my L4-S1 were herniated & pressing on a nerve. My surgeon said there wasn't anything left to do but a two level fusion. On 3/12/09, I had that surgery. What they did was to remove those two bad discs, added a bone growing substance mixed with some of my bone marrow, and held it all together with 6 screws & 2 rods. The recovery from that surgery was so hard. I had NEVER had pain like that. For the first month, I remember being completely miserable and wondering whose great idea THAT had been!!

What holds me together.....haha - Xrays from the first surgery!

I'm not a good patient and certainly not a patient one, at that. I HATE asking for help. I'm not even sure I know how to. I hate not being able to do things for myself. The walls of my house started closing in on me. I went back to work about a month after my surgery. I thought I was super woman!!

In September 2009, I was feeling great. The best I had in a very long time!! I saw my surgeon for my 6 month post op. He said everything was great, heading in the right direction, and that unless anything happened, he would see me in 6 months to release me from his care. After years of pain & doctors, this was the best news I could receive!

Unfortunately, it was short lived. Just a month later, in October, my ex and I were basically (to make this story shorter) t-boned by a couple racing teenagers. My neck & back were re-injured. Again, whiplash...extreme bruising...flare up on panic attacks (I'll have to blog on those seperately)....and back pain.

In the flash of an eye, the progress I'd made was gone. I was back in constant pain. More meds & PT followed to no avail. The screws had come loose and my surgeon said my fusion had not healed. No other option than to go in & re-do the surgery to correct the problem & (HOPEFULLY, oh God, I hope!) make me pain free.

So, on 12/14/10 I had my 2nd fusion. I had a rougher time of it this go round. They overmedicated me and overall, I just had a lot more pain. Currently, I'm about 6 weeks post-op. The "Oh my God, please kill me" pain is gone. I'm in what I call my dangerous phase. I feel better, so I want/need to do stuff. (laundry, vacuuming, cleaning, working, etc...) But as soon as I do, I hurt. I get tired, like an old lady kind of tired, easily. I can't sit for long periods without becoming stiff & having muscle pain. I'll have another month or so of PT at 3 months post-op.

These are the screws from the first surgery. They replaced them with slightly bigger ones this go-round. Wicked, huh?!

Ok, so there's probably a lot more description I could give, but I'm going to leave it at this. I don't say any of this to garner pity or attention. I am SO anti that, it's not funny. More so, I share this for my own good. I briefly mentioned panic attacks, which began after the first crash, but I have had a rough road over the past 5 years - physically & emotionally -and I don't want to bottle it up anymore. I also want to make sure that people know just what the impact of their decisions are. My life was changed, I guess twice, by the actions & decisions of other people.

Mostly, I just want to purge myself of this. I think this will be the first time I type this, but I'm scared. After the first surgery, I never thought I would have to go through it again!! After this last one, I'm terrified. What if it doesn't work? What if I get hit again? What if...What if? What if!! Part of my journey is learning how to redirect these fears. Hence my purging.

I'd like to close this by saying I realize how "lucky" I am to be alive. I put lucky in quotes, because I often don't FEEL lucky. Lucky would have been to NOT be at either of those places & NOT be hit. Lucky would be not having pain for so long. But I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I AM lucky....I have had the pleasure in meeting some people who lost people they love. I am lucky to be alive. My children are lucky to have their mother. Adam Katz, a young man who was killed in a drunk driving crash, was not so lucky. His parents, who I feel bonded to & vice versa, were not lucky. The pain that I've seen them go through- just a minute amount, I would add - rips me apart.

But again, things happen for a reason. I might be still working out that reason, but I hold on to that belief. I have worked with MADD over the last ~5 years. I have spoken in front of groups of 100+ convicted drunk drivers. I told them about my story & I implored them to never drink & drive again. Uh, ME!! I am SO not a pubic speaker. I get nervous talking to myself!! haha. But it was something that is important to me, so it's worth the physical pain of having everyone's eyes on me. If I made one single person decide to never put their & others' lives at risk, then I feel maybe I've come close to fulfilling the purpose of this. If I reached any more than one, it'd just be a bonus.

Lesson learned though - I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I don't say that to brag, it's just a testiment of how strong the human spirit is. It just shows me that even at our lowest point & hardest times, we can shock ourselves by standing up to fear, adversity & pain.

To use song lyrics to sum this up:

Survivor - Destiny's Child (yes, I'm taking it old school...)

I'm a survivor (what),I'm not gonna give up (what), I'm not gon' stop (what), I'm gonna work harder (what), I'm a survivor (what), I'm gonna make it (what), I will survive (what), Keep on survivin' (what)