I think I can, I think I can....

So I'm trying to pull myself out of this rotten mood that has set upon me. Not that it's uncommon for me to get moody, oh once a month or so...but this is ridiculous. I'm the type of person who feels the need to pull myself out of it. I've tried that for a few days. I've been stuck in my house for 6 weeks recovering from my second spinal fusion. This week was the first week I drove & physically went back to the office. I feel that I'm in the dangerous phase of my recovery, because I feel much better than I did that first month. So much so that I want to DO something. I see all this stuff that needs to be done, and it's driving me crazy. Maybe it's just that the walls of my house have become like a wet, cold blanket. Being stuck inside of it, just reminds me all that I have not been able to do...all that I'm not even capable of doing right now. I feel powerless. I get that it's normal when recovering, but....but....no me gusta.

Anyway, I ventured to the office on Tuesday, but then did not feel like it was smart for me to get out in the snow, so I stayed home & worked from home Wednesday & Thursday. I felt pretty happy about going back to work today. I mean, what's not to love about a Friday, right?!? I got caught up on a bunch of stuff & time got away from me....until the pain started. When I sit too long, everything clenches up & starts hurting. I don't quite know how to describe the pain I get from sitting for some time....feels sort of like I've been shovelling snow for hours. Stiff & sore. I guess it's a muscle fatigue kind of thing. (I hope!) Anyway, I realized that I'd been at work for 5 hours!! My longest stretch yet.

I decided to head home, but knew there was stuff that still needed to be taken care of. Basically I drove home & went right back to work for 3 hours. Without going into the gory details of the cloudiness/redundancy/drama/ridiculousness of work, let's just say I feel very aggravated. It's not JUST work though, but that's a big piece. I want to do something that feels worthwhile. Seems nowadays that it will be darn near impossible for me (or anyone, right?) to just up & switch careers AND be able to support myself & my kids. I look at going back to school, but then I feel dejected at the thought of how long it will take for me to complete my degree, since I can only take a class at a time. (I am registering for the summer semester though!) I feel like I'm stuck in a vicous circle, that always leads me right back to where I started, only then I'm exhausted. I feel like a cat, chasing its tail, but less cute.

I tried to cheer myself up with some yummy food from PF Changs for Michael & I. (Heather had already eaten.) I ordered it online & we went off to pick it up. Here is one of my biggest problems, and I don't know why....being out (in the car, in public, etc.) I get so freakin' anxious & stressed that I feel sick. I'm snappy & just pretty miserable overall when out. All the people, and the noise, and....I don't know what else, but I'm starting to feel like a complete freak. It's like, I want to go out, I go, and then I'm sorry I did. Am I completely crazy?!

I know driving is still a major trigger for fear & anxiety, but this is getting borderline nutty, if you ask me. So I fight the Friday night crowd at the mall, wait in the busy restaurant for our food & drive home, only to have one of the nastiest dinners EVER from one of my favorite restaurants. I mean, what the heck!?! How do they even mess up fried rice, for Pete's sake!) I should have gone straight for the chocolate & foregone real food...I knew it!

So, to counter the black mood that I feel, I'm going to spell out the things I am thankful for and that make me happy. It's not that I forget these things, I just think putting them in writing will help.

*Michael
*Heather
*Mom & Dad
*Bella
*A roof over my head
*My grandmother & extended family
*Friends
*The sun peaking through clouds (especially on an otherwise cloudy, overcast day)
*Purple flowers
*Majestic mountains
*The ocean - preferably with turquoise water & white sand, but at this point I won't be picky!!
*babies laughing
*Freedom!
*previously mentioned chocolate (bonus points if there is peanut butter mixed in!!!!)
*Life

Ah, that does help a little. If anyone actually reads this, sorry to be such a Debbie-downer. I don't mean to be a drag, but I'm worried that if I keep holding it all bottled up, I'm going to implode! Anyway, thanks for the session, doc, see you next time.